About a year ago, I was casually scrolling through Instagram before going to sleep when a post stopped me in my tracks. It was a post by Jennifer Garner celebrating the 15-year debut of the movie 13 Going on 30.
I was thirteen when the movie came out. I remember the day I went to watch it so vividly like it was yesterday. The grown-up version of Jenna Rink - the main protagonist, played by Jennifer Garner, was EVERYTHING that I wanted to be when I grow up…
"thirty, flirty, and thriving..."
"thirty, flirty, and thriving,"
"thirty, flirty, and thriving."
Movie fans will know what I'm talking about.
I dreamt of having a cool job at a magazine in New York City, of having a Mark Ruffalo to share Razzles with…..Cringe, I know, but I can't help it - chick flicks get to me!
Needless to say, my goals and aspirations have definitely changed since then. But that night in bed, Jenna Rink, my teenage role model, was pointing her finger at me through my phone screen, reminding me that I'm one year shy of 30 and nowhere near where I hoped I'd be; making me break into embarrassing tears.
Now, chick flicks might or might have not given you unrealistic expectations about your own life too. But it's highly likely that at some point in your life you've caught yourself wondering: Am I falling behind in life? Shouldn't I be more "accomplished" by now? What does being "successful" or "accomplished" really mean, anyway?
Perhaps you've recently graduated and haven't found the right job yet. Maybe you're finding it hard to get your career back on track after taking a break to raise your children. Perhaps you're stuck doing a job you don't like to make ends meet. Maybe you'd hoped that by now you'd be: running a successful business, married, financially independent, having kids…, etc.
Whatever stage you're at right now, If you've ever felt (or currently feeling) behind, I want you to know you're not alone.
That being said, here are a few suggestions to help you work through those feelings of inadequacy and get back out there to make the most of your own life journey.
1) Who are you comparing yourself to?
Let's be honest, shall we? You wouldn't be feeling "behind" if you weren't comparing your achievements to others' or tracking your life milestones against some arbitrary timeline that you've set for yourself or let media and society set for you. That's not to say you should be feeling ashamed of those feelings. Instead, you should acknowledge those feelings and analyze them further.
First things first, find out who or what is triggering these feelings for you.
For example, you might be feeling behind because you're the only one who does not have (a job/kids/ business/..etc.) in your group of friends and you're feeling left out. In that case, it might be helpful to speak about those feelings to a trusted friend or two to get some reassurance and spend some quality time doing an activity you all enjoy.
Or, you might be feeling behind because you're comparing yourself to your favorite bloggers or portraits of successful women in media. As a result, you may experience guilt or disappointment when you are unable to meet those expectations; failing to live like the people depicted in the articles or movies.
For instance, I love reading articles about the daily habits of successful people or watch "a day in the life of person X" videos, but even as I feel entertained, I find that I start judging myself, too.
Why can't I get myself to wake up at 5:00 am, force myself to drink lemon water, meditate, go for a morning jog, keep a gratitude journal, and write 20 articles a week while maintaining a buzzing social life?
When I get caught up in the How-Does-She-Do-It-All thought pattern, I remind myself there's so much that goes on behind the scenes that I don't know about and that everyone's needs, priorities and lifestyle demands are different.
2) Dance to the beat of your own drum
In other words, "TRUST the timing of YOUR life." I know this sounds cliche, yet most feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness stem from the belief that we have total control over our circumstances and that our lives should be different than what they are. But sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, things don't go the way we want, and opportunities don't show up in the way we expect them to.
The following quote by writer Jamie Varon captures this idea perfectly:
"Sometimes, the novel is not ready to be written because you haven't met the inspiration for your main character yet. Sometimes you need two more years of life experience before you can make your masterpiece into something that will feel real and true and raw to other people. Sometimes you're not falling in love because whatever you need to know about yourself is only knowable through solitude. Sometimes you haven't met your next collaborator."
That's not to say, we should just give up on our dreams or goals and adopt a passive approach to life. It's an invitation to put in our best efforts and give ourselves permission to relinquish some control. An invitation to let life happen to you and trust timing do what it needs to do.
3) Do things for YOU
Start noticing whose opinions and perspective on life you're allowing to influence your self-worth and life choices. You need to stop listening to people who are in vastly different life circumstances and life stages than you telling you that you're just not doing enough. As long as you let other people guide your behavior, you can never truly live for yourself.
Get in the habit of asking yourself: "why am I doing this?" and "who am I doing this for?" Do things for you. Do them for the sake of your own happiness, not because someone else said you should. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.
4) Be honest with yourself
Are you actually behind? Is there an underlying fear that is stopping you from going after what you want? Are you avoiding some necessary challenges or coming up with excuses to avoid facing your insecurities?
Take time to re-evaluate where you are in life and identify any reasons that may be stopping you from moving forward. Talk about your fears and insecurities to a trusted mentor or friend. Reach out to people who are pursuing similar interests to yours and find out more about what it takes to get where you want. And finally, remember the only way forward is through?.